My Own Hell
by nayru moon
Summary: Quatre's thoughts while trapped in his own mind. 1x4 references. No real summary. Rating for dark themes.


My Own Hell  
  
Ran-Ran: (pokes Nayru) Write. Write. Write. Write...  
  
Nayru: WRITE WHAT, FOR GODDESS' SAKE?!  
  
Ran-Ran: ... I dunno. (wanders away)  
  
Nayru: FINE. (opens Wordpad, types the crap you see below)  
  
DISCLAIMER: Gundam Wing is not mine.  
  
I waited. I waited for such a long time. Here, far away. Far away from you. Heero, why did you leave me here? I don't like it here. It's dark and cold. You told me that I would be safe here. I wanted to be safe with you, but you had to protect me. Didn't you say you'd come back? You said that the assassins wouldn't kill you, that they wanted me. I wanted to believe you, and like I child, I did. Were they lies? Were you lying to me, Heero? You said that this hole in the ground in this bunker was safe, that you'd come and get me out when I was safe. You promised me that when you came back, everything would be better. You promised that I'd be all better, and that we'd be happy together forever. Do you remember? Do you remember what you said? You had said, "Quatre, I love you so much I could never let anything hurt you." How much of a lie was that? Do you know how much this hurts? You're the one that killed me, Heero. You've sent me into my own hell.  
Certainly, there is nourishment here. And I can breathe, that has been graciously provided for by my invisible host. And perhaps someday, by chance, someone will come here and find me, release me. Surely, someone has to come and clear the dead bodies. I heard a lot of gunfire, Heero. Did you kill them all? Surely, you could not have missed. You are the Perfect Soldier! That was what you were meant to be, that is who you were supposed to be! But then it is ironic.... you, you who has killed so many, but your name, Heero; you were named after an assassinated advocate of peace. Peace between the Earth and Colonies! You were given that name so you could make it happen!  
Yet here I lie. I have no peace.  
No peace of soul, Heero. You are a part of me now. Without you here, I am empty and cold.  
No peace of mind, Heero. I can only wonder where you are. Every important memory I have now includes you somewhere, because over the past four years, you have become my life.  
No peace of heart, Heero. I don't know if you ever loved me.  
Here, down here, I could live for years upon years. How long has it been now? Three days, I think. Let me check my watch.... wow. Four days. I remember, you told me to go down here on the third, and now it's the seventh. Four days... it feels like an eternity. There are no voices other than my own. I somewhat like the sound of my voice down here. I can hear every detail of it. It's thrilling, to hear the rise and fall of your own voice. I've discovered, listening to those elusive echoes, that my voice has a rather nice lilt in it as I say your name over and over, calling you, begging you to come back...  
Heero...  
Heero...  
Heero...  
But then those echoes fade, and I am alone.  
Alone again. I'm getting quite used to it. Perhaps it's unhealthy, but I don't care. People don't need people, do they? You're always a loner, you survived for many years with virtually nobody. Was it different for you? Perhaps you are so used to having nobody, where I've had everybody and everything. A spoiled brat, I am. I've been given everything on a silver, no, a gold platter. All I've ever had to do was ask and it was given. And I had so many people. I had my father, my sisters, then the Maguanac Corps... you've had nothing and nobody since the day you were given the name Heero Yuy.  
Odin Lowe.  
You had him, Heero. Now I remember. He cared for you. Did he care for you better than I could?  
Yes, yes... You took care of me. I am still a spoiled brat. You held me in your arms, you kept me warm when I was cold, you dried my tears when I cried, you saved my life countless times. That's why you're not here now, isn't it? You had to save me. I couldn't save myself. I didn't need you to save me, I'm not an infant! I can aim a gun and shoot just as well as you, I can kill, Heero! Any human with hands can kill! I can kill too, Heero. I just can't kill you. I can't kill you from my mind, because you haunt me.  
I can't kill you, Heero. Maybe you didn't want me to kill. Is that what you wanted? You didn't want to see your beloved little one so cruel and angry, hateful, and killing. We've seen a million soldiers, with those heartless, emotion-devoid faces. They remind me of dolls, with painted China faces in a scowl. They don't care about anything, do they, Heero? All they care about is making people die. I don't like to make people die. Perhaps, did you not wish to see me, looking like one of those soldiers that you killed, that you had to kill, that I killed. I don't want to be a soldier. I want to be yours.  
But that's impossible now, isn't it? For we are in two separate worlds. I am in Purgatory, while you must be looking down on me from Heaven. I can see your face in my head. You're smiling, you look so happy. Much happier than you ever did when we were together. Were my eyes closed when you were happiest? Maybe I couldn't see you. Haha, I'm a regular pervert, just like Duo.  
I wonder where they are?  
Duo, Trowa, Wufei, our friends, Heero. Weren't they coming to visit us today? Duo and Wufei, they came last night, and Trowa should arrive today. We were supposed to meet them this afternoon. Were we going to meet them, or were they coming here? I can't remember... Were they really your friends, Heero? You'd kill any one of them if you had to. You said that you'd never kill me. You almost killed Trowa, Heero. You almost killed one of your friends. He saved your life, in a way I could not... I cannot...  
Round and round, and up and down, they tortured the weasel...  
Delirium is taunting me, Heero. I can hear sweet Delirium's voice in my head, calling me to her. It is quite unhealthy for me, to simply think everything. Perhaps I should speak out loud. I can even hear your voice speak back to me.  
Heero, do you love me? Did you ever love me? Why didn't you tell me this before? Were you afraid? Or perhaps love is meaningless to you. All I am is the sex I give you. Is it true, Heero?! Is it true?! Why won't you answer me! I'm screaming, Heero! I'm begging you to talk to me! Scream at me! Just to hear your voice, I want to talk to you!  
Heero! I love you! Why can't you love me back? Why have you damned me, why do you forsake me? Was this all just a ploy to get rid of me? Was there a single assassin, Heero? I heard them, I saw them, but were you just tricking me? You must be laughing now. Is it funny, knowing you've killed someone who cares about you infinitely? I don't care anymore, Heero! You've driven me into my own hell and undoing! I hope you're in your own hell!  
Delirium claims me, Heero. I don't care... I can't care anymore. I'm going to close my eyes and wait for you.  
I'm waiting....  
  
Two days later, Trowa, Wufei, and Duo found Quatre, lying in a bomb shelter. He was clinically insane, talking to himself in a low voice, whispering Heero's name over and over. The bodies of twelve assassins were strewn throughout Quatre and Heero's home. The thirteenth assassin was right outside the shelter, and Heero's remains were right in front of him. Heero still held a gun in his hand, defending his angel.  
The angel he sent to hell.  
  
END  
  
Nayru: (glares at Ran-ran) Happy now?  
  
Ran-ran: 1x4. I never knew you had it in you.  
  
Nayru: Screw you. It's 11 pm on a school night. Good night! 


End file.
